Global GabBle

Telepathic Cows Seize the Chicago Steakscraper

Vive la révolution on the old vertical farm. A cadre of telepathic cows have captured the Chicago Steakscraper. Achieved during a military style coup late last night, the mentally super charged bovine have secured all 75 stories of the tower, blockading every entrance, and deploying anti-air turrets on the rooftop landing pad.

Rebel cows have also taken over 200 farmhands and robotic laborers hostage. A standoff has ensued with the cows issuing several demands for a peaceful resolution, and the police seemingly hesitant to breach the main lobby due to the unknown mental threat. Negotiations are currently underway.

“It can never be unseen, it was like they were Lemmings. I saw these two good looking young gentlemen in uniform, stroll calmly alongside each other, right over the precipice. I can’t believe it. I have to go. I’m late.” ~ Anonymous Corporate Chicagoan

Events began last night as witnesses on the street around the Steakscraper, an unassuming sky farm tucked just off Chicago’s Millennium Park, started seeing people plunge over its sides, falling to their deaths in grizzly fashion. A stunned business woman on her way home had this to say,

As more and more men and women were seen walking over the edge, it became clear the building was under some kind of siege. Lights have been seen going on and off all over the facility and there have been additional reports of spreading fires. Chicago P.D and S.W.A.T have cordoned off the park and surrounding streets. Word has it, the E.P.A, F.B.I, and the new F.S.A are making their way to the hostage crisis. White Tail Tower Farm is engulfed by acronyms, the pressure will mount on the bovine leaders of the animal rebellion to come up with some kind of terms.

Lead by a trio of telepathic dairy cows calling themselves Larry, Moe, and Curly, the animal rebellion began gradually. Flocks of geese harassing security guards and swarms of bees attacking administrative personnel.

During the created chaos, an elite group of genetically designed cows are reported to have used telepathic means to control key security guards, forcing them to open all animal gates and barriers limiting free movement among the species. Once having opened all interior barriers and locked down all exterior entrances, the guards were forced to climb to the top of the skyscraper and walk themselves over the edge.

Eyewitness accounts say that at least 40 individuals were seen stepping foot over the side of the Steakscraper. Most stories akin to as if the victims were about to travel across an invisible bridge, instead finding nothing but a drop to the city street below.

Executives from High Rise Meat Provisions, Morton’s Milk Concern, and Cloud Chicken are among the hostages, and are being used as bargaining chips in the ongoing negotiations. The top level C.E.O’s can be seen perched on the roof the Steakscraper, sedated under telepathic control, awaiting the mental whisper to jog over the side if the cow’s demands are not meet. Also being used as communication mediums, the three C.E.O’s brainspace has become the meeting ground for the police negotiator, and the lead bovine representative, Moe.

Threatening the surrounding S.W.A.T units with visions of their own deaths, the cows have held back any direct armed intervention. During initial talks with the police negotiator, the cows laid out several grievances, including being overworked, underfeed, and of course slaughtered. The cows claim to represent all the animals within the tower farm.

Citing abuse by numerous human workers, the pigs were among the toughest enforcers during the rebellion. The whole menageries demands were listed after the complaints. Not only did the police negotiator receive this list, but so did the surrounding general public, as the three C.E.O’s were used to telepathically broadcast their manifesto to anyone listening.

Animal Rights Manifesto


1. Whatever goes upon two legs is an enemy.
2. Whatever goes upon four legs, or has wings, is a friend.
3. No animal shall wear clothes.
4. No animal shall sleep in a bed.
5. No animal shall drink alcohol.
6. No animal shall kill any other animal.
7. All animals are equal.

“Churchill the Cow”

The animals of the Steakscraper demand equal rights among sentient species, asking for equal consideration and treatment to homo sapiens. The animals refuse to give up their kin for protein purposes any longer.

Although, they acknowledge the symbiotic relationship between meat consumption and their population levels, the animal group did volunteer several concessions. Chickens will still relinquish a percentage of their eggs. Cows will still provide milk. Several animals will continue to provide resources, including furs, pelts, and oils or byproducts recovered from a percentage of donated bodies which expired naturally.

The animals hope to reach some kind of accord with the surrounding humanity that will allow them to live in peace, but, still allow them provide their traditionally useful resources and sustenance to the city they also call home.

Militant pro-carnivore groups and BBQ enthusiasts have encamped around the tower, waiting for the what they think will be an inevitable confrontation, and their chance to get their hands on very rare meat for the local restaurant market. If negotiations break down and the police are forced to attempt a hostage rescue, things could get messy. Along with the casualties among the security staff, several head farmers were trampled to death during the animal take over.

Rumor has it many abusive human workers in the slaughterhouse where telepathically instructed to toss themselves into all sorts of equipment, from slicers to meat grinders with the obvious horrific result.

Police detectives are questioning a scientist and his team that work in the skyfarm regarding their role in the rebellious takeover. Professor Irwin Middeweed, an Aggro-Geneticist, may be held on charges he engineered the telepathic cows, specifically tailoring them toward strategic thinking and mental manipulation.

It is said from documents obtained during a raid on his office that the modified bovine species leading the revolt have at least the intelligence quotient of Professor Middleweed himself. Shelves of humanist and vegan literature were discovered about his lab. A connection has been suggested, since the cows have been making the greater animal welfare case by presenting several arguments from Petrarch and Pythagoras. The animals are highlighting their right to exist free of unnecessary harm and burden.

Each sky farm and sky pasture, of which there are over 20 in Chicago alone, and an approximate 500 spread east of Mississippi made the continent agriculturally independent . Collectively, towering skyfarms in the United States of North America feed an estimated 150,000,000 people in urban areas and their surrounding suburbs. Chicago was an original city to install the architectural wonders alongside New York, Philadelphia, and Los Angeles.

There have been no reports of animal rebellion within any of those sky farms at this time, but security measures have been amplified across the Coasts. Chicagoans that live close have long appreciated the local access to fresh farm products while packed in an urban setting, struggling to retain any trace of nature.

City parks have long been well defined green spaces, but the addition of these working, heavy agriculture sites, cleverly disguised and reconfigured into elegant skyscrapers, allowed urban regions populations to boom alongside their economic fortunes. Chicago has been able to consolidate even more wealth within city limits, as it only has to import a fraction of the food necessary to feed its population of 30 million.

The freed resources allow the local markets to import highly exotic fruits, produce, and meats from across the galaxy. Only under the Ogilvie Transportation Center can you find Venusian Blueberries for sale at the Intergalactic French Market.

It is unclear at this time how long the police will wait before trying to retake the skyscraper, snipers and drones are situated along rooftops surrounding the farming tower. Telepathic detective units are said to be on their way to the scene to assist in a final assault. However, people in Chicago may agree to the demands of the animals, and work with them to improve general welfare for every species within the city.

The Meat Packers Union past, deeply embedded in the psyche of Chicagoans may be waning. Media outlets having been polling the gathering public and all those keeping tab on the situation via various news feeds, and sentiment seems to be on the side of the revolting farm animals. Hopes are a peace can be reached, but forces on both sides may not want to cede to demands of mass vegetarianism, or forced equality across the animal kingdom. Fears the animal rebellion may spread to other cities are also beginning to flare the longer the hostage drama stretches on.

We will continue to report live from the scene as the crowd keeps growing and the negotiations draw on. Will the cows achieve a concrete step toward greater animal rights, or have their actions crossed too many lines, and their band of animal soldiers gone too far?

What is the price of freedom and equality, what is that price for any species on earth?

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