Los Angeles was in a Lakers frenzy last night, and the streets turned into a raging festival. A moving celebration. And at nearly 3 o’ clock this morning Michael Adler paraded up the Loopway staircase in the center of Gilbert Lindsey Plaza looking to join the crowds.
Trying not to miss the party of the century, Adler came to the Staples Center to revel in Bronny James 7th N.B.A Championship, a Lakers sweep of the San Francisco Warriors. Searching for a good time after the Hyperloop-series victory. Adler never found it.
Jumping the last two steps and taking a big leap out from the Loop station, ready to join the festivities, Adler froze in front of a growling metal beast, a robotic police dog, accompanying a small squad of L.A.P.D officers patrolling the Gilbert Plaza transit station.
Self admittedly, Adler was “a little high,” so he hooked a quick right toward some pedestrians, breaking into a scuttling powerwalk. Too late. Before he reached the path, Adler was gripping a park bench for dear life, howling in agony as Astro, a K.Ai-9 police robot dog, tore at his left leg and bit down with locking metal jaws into Adler’s thigh.
K.Ai-9 officer Henry Langerhans eventually remotely recalled his robotic dog, yelling for Adler to “F~~K off loser, keep moving,” Adler stated in a telepathic interview.
Before he could even protest, the entire squad, including Langerhans and his robotic K.Ai-9 melted into the wild crowds celebrating the Lakers. But Mr. Adler was left crippled on the steps of the Gilbert hyperloop station, his left leg crushed and bleeding. He couldn’t move under his own power.
After some time, a group of Warriors fan making their way back to the station to catch a train to San Francisco overheard his whines. They sent for an emergency paramedic drone.
After a painful twenty minutes, Adler was strapped into a Ronald Reagan UCLA Medical Center drone and delivered into the trauma bay miles away. He currently sits in an ICU bed, stable after emergency surgery and 3-D-Print limb replacement.
Completely innocent of any criminal wrongdoing, Michael Adler is just the latest to be mauled. Left to recuperate he finds himself with a whole hospital wing of fellow bite victims. After some algorithmic research by our Satoshi supercomputer it points to a certain cadre of police K.Ai-9 units, and their robotic dogs, who have gone rogue and are inflicting the vast majority of bites.
Those few bad actors are outside procedure, and seemingly above the law. The Los Angeles Police Department K-9 Division has expressed a near zero interest in reigning in these heavy tactics.
Programmers have protested, “It’s the way the dogs are handled, it’s not my code. You think I’d program that thing to latch on to a teenagers arm and not let go. Please, I work in Silicon Valley, but I’m not that evil.”
Cost burden weighs heavy on the debate, the city spent well over 50 million USD Coins to phase out the existing K-9 units, consisting of live mammals, mostly German Shepherds trained in house. However, since the percentage of robotic dogs has swelled, leaving few truly biologic Shepherds and their partners in the field, the number of unjustified attacks has skyrocketed.
Police officers have countered, and an anonymous source within the L.A.P.D K.Ai-9 units allowed us to use his quote,
“I miss my old flesh and blood dog, a real dog that would be warm when it laid down next to me. He’d lick your hand. Besides they made the teeth too sharp, I don’t really want to maim anyone out there. Those computer hackers think they can program 35,000 years of the bond between man and dog into a few lines of code. Well, I think the department wasted its money, but what I do know.”
Telepathic leaks inside the department have exposed new developments pertaining to the cases. An active duty German Shepard, K-9 officer Bandit, known for his high IQ, fearlessness, and aviator sunglasses, only hours ago arrested officer Langerhans and his robotic dog Astro.
An intense scuffle broke out during the apprehension, Langerhans was shot in the leg. Astro was put down by an electro magnetic pulse chip implanted in Bandit’s right fang.
Langerhans and Astro had gone off the deep end. In a whirlwind after their attack on Michael Adler, the officer and his robotic dog chased a second innocent citizen who fell off a platform onto some train tracks. A third person was bit on the stomach, and left bleeding near the Staples Center entrance. These attacks all occurred in a 20 minute span separated by a mere city block.
At this moment no one knows whether their violence was instigated by the robotic dog, or an unstable officer.
Police Commissioner Jack J. McCormick responded to our inquiry, stating, “We love our K-9 and K.Ai-9 units, both have their time and place. Those noses alone. The nose of a dog, real or synthetic, is invaluable to our job, they track bombs, weapons, drugs, suspects, missing persons, they are more useful than my bulletproof vest.”
But, too much evidence of damage and abuse has mounted, too many innocent people have been harmed, and Los Angeles will no longer ignore the issue.
Satoshi supercomputers cross pinged a list of grievances found on the neural networks, telepathic opinion polls, and local media. Listed below>
* The police K.Ai-9 robot dogs continue to menace, bite, and injury unarmed men and women with no criminal records.
* Despite regulation common to other K-9 units, the Los Angeles robotic dogs are not programmed to release victims quickly after an initial bite. They are reprogrammed to do the opposite – hold on and keep chewing until remotely called, or yanked, off. Some extreme police reports describe K.Ai-9s continuing to maul and chew on immobilized victims for minutes.
* The aftermath of robotic dog bites have left deep and disfiguring wounds and mangled limbs that require extensive and expensive hospitalization. The physical scars are permanent; so sometimes is the emotional trauma that endures long after wounds heal. A single citizen attacked last month needed three skin grafts to repair his leg. “It looked like his skin had been burned away with napalm,” said Jeffrey DelFuoco, a lawyer with the Defending Angels Association of Los Angeles, providing free counsel to the man. “The skin had just been stripped away from behind the kneecap to the ankle.”
* Police officers themselves attempting to make arrests or apprehensions have been bitten by their own robotic dogs.
* Former Police Commissioner Rick B. Rodriguez, in a telepathic deposition during his own indictment, stated that there were only three circumstances in which he believed a dog should be commanded to attack – to protect an officer’s life, to protect another person’s life or to apprehend a fleeing felon. But these are only Solomon’s beliefs, not the rules that actually govern the officer and dog on the street. In fact, K-9 officers have enormous latitude, and can order an attack when they believe the situation calls for it.
Despite this mornings valiant effort from true K-9 Officer Bandit and his human partner, Los Angeles may continue to face problems with robotic police violence. And for now, only the canine officers are androids. The city has been in discussions with several robotics firms concerning the mechanization of a large part of the police force, from traffic cop to patrolmen and so on. Only detectives and administration may wind up remaining human.
We reached out to Bandit’s human partner, officer Kem. She responded, “Bandit is the hands down the best, most loyal partner I’ve ever had, including most men. But, really, he’s a great dog, and I love him. Our bond helps us make Los Angeles a safer place, and I don’t want people to be afraid of us when they see us on the street. We are here for you.”
Critics are quick to point out the lack of trust between the department and the general public ever since the L.A Times discovered police reports and officer testimonies were being censored, and local celebrities spied on. They say no officers can be trusted. Both sides have their supporters.
Our anonymous leaker within the K.Ai-9 unit had these parting words, “It’s like I’ve got this bad ass 400 pound robotic killer, and I’m going to show you what he can do. We all do that to a certain extent because we’re all guy’s guys. It’s just like sitting down after an arrest and smoking some ethroma. It’s a macho thing – everyone pounding their chest. The other cops want to see how bad this doggie is. So you want to show them. They want a show. . . . If I got a killer robot, I’m going to use it.”
Demonstrators against police brutality have gathered outside city hall demanding answers. Again our anonymous leaker may have summed it up best, “It is the mixture of “macho” cops and unreliable robots that ends up with people hurt, hurt bad sometimes.”
So much fun! Woof!!