U.S.N.A News

Huawei Hijacks Hoboken

Chaos erupted in New Jersey late last night as Hoboken’s entire electronic infrastructure went haywire. Traffic lights started blinking deep red and beeping out the People’s Union Republic of China’s national anthem. Money littered the streets as ATMs and Bitcoin machines spit out all the bills from their cash drawers, and digitized storefront billboards all flashed odd products and began running state-sponsored news direct from Beijing. The Huawei logo flashed across the city appearing on every electronic screen possible. The confusion grew as car radios, newly upgraded 8G devices, wireless and wired internet connections within the “Square Mile City” seemed to malfunction in unison. Once the Hoboken clock tower struck midnight, disorder and pandemonium reigned. The entire city seems to have been lifted right out of the United States of North America in a split second.

What was an otherwise typical day filled with the usual contents of American city life now oozed with propagandized media featuring Pi Jing Pi, the newly chosen young leader for life of the Chinese Communist Party. American citizens found themselves unable to access their normal outside world, no quantum internet, no social media, no television, no radio, no basic support functions Hoboken city dwellers rely on. Instead, they only found the Huawei symbol and various random trollings staring back and chirping from their screens.

Police and fire stations, hospitals, grocery stores, and public transportation were immediately forced to shutter all electronic mechanisms and automated systems. Everything connected to the Internet of Things operating within the city stopped immediately at the stroke of midnight and took on a decidedly sinister red tone. 

Most concerning is the coma many users of the Huawei version of Neuralink – Nuralynx, – feel deeply into at the same time the havoc in Hoboken began unfolding. EMS responders and firemen have all stripped digital parts and self driving gadgets from their vehicles in an effort to respond to the wave of calamities. Traffic accidents have spiked as many people unfamiliar with manual driving were once again forced to do so. Hospitals that relied heavily on automated surgeries and nursing services have seen a surge in error rates and mortality incidents.

Reine Blanche, an emergency physician at Hoboken University Medical Center spoke via his secure, hospital grade Neuralink, 

“At first we thought it was a joke, this big red Panda started dancing across every EKG machine and provider portal screen we have in the ER. Then all the sudden this little tune started piping out of every speaker and patient care device… that’s when I knew we had a problem. I got the staff to immediately revert to our analog backups, and well, all I can say is we saved some people, some weren’t so lucky, and now we are just trying our best to keep up.”

Recently elected Hoboken Mayor, Arthur Stephen Lange Jr, for his part a long time opponent of automatization and technology outsourcing, has released a telepathic bulletin and stated he has requested a full National Guard response and assistance from the Federal level. Mayor Lange ended his standup comedy press conference earlier today on a serious note, and donning his morale boosting Thurman Munson jersey has hopped onto a retrofitted firetruck put back into operation after sitting in the Hoboken Municipal museum for nearly 2 decades. He is traveling the “Square Mile City” street by street using an old fashioned bullhorn and loudspeaker to try to calm citizens, reassuring them all of Hoboken will recover and the besieged technology will soon be liberated. 

The National Security Agency, Central Intelligence, USNA Space Force, and all the terrestrial branches of the Armed Forces are currently on high alert and trying to respond to the situation. White hat hackers from across the country are rushing to their computer terminals to try to sort out the coding and malicious software currently gripping Hoboken in technological gridlock. Blackouts have been rolling across the city as well, and there are even reports of people’s dishwashers, clothes washers and dryers, lawn mowers, microwaves, refrigerators, and every plugged in screen and smart speaker are all speaking Chinese, or are playing music from CRI Hits 1XFM, the most popular radio station in Beijing.  

The fear in the air is palpable. As of now, no one knows or has confirmed the intent of this hijacking, or who has perpetrated this act of sabotage. Never before has an entire city in the United States of North America been disconnected from its normal anchors of reality and seemingly ended up in the alternate universe of the People’s Union Republic of China. 

For his part, the young Chinese leader for life, Pi Jing Pi, has denied all responsibility. Generals within the People’s Army are also vehemently denying all responsibility. Most awkwardly, the local USNA branch of Huawei has claimed no part of this disaster and has opened its doors to US intelligence and cyber investigators to prove its innocence in this massive, life threatening, cyber security breach. In addition, the Russian Federation, the Brasilia Republic, and the hermit kingdom of North Korea have also denied playing any role.

Mayor Lange has been sending telegrams using ancient wires connecting New Jersey to Washington D.C and New York City, communicating with both the Presidentor of the USNA, who confirms his total support, and also former boss, Howard Stern, who via the telegrams sent to New York is being contacted by quantum relay in his satellite studio and forever-home circling high in Earth’s orbit. Stern, seeking immortality, had his mind and consciousness uploaded to the largest Sirius satellite in the outer atmosphere late last year. The radio host has been continuing to broadcast his show daily, as well as producing prolific amounts of watercolor paintings and chess books. His influence in the Northeast of the USNA is as great as it was in the 1990’s, and as he whizzes over the Earth multiple times a day he has pleaded for peace while using his humor to keep people of Hoboken, and the nation at large, calm and laughing.

As of this report, mayhem is still the prevailing current in Hoboken. Residents are banding together to share food, water resources, and any piece of technology that seems to be unaffected by the mass outage in an attempt to reach loved ones on the outside. Currently the cyber attack seems to be limited to within the official square mile city limits of Hoboken. New York City, and in particular Manhattan, along with Philadelphia, Boston and Washington DC have reported no traces or problems from the cyber cataclysm. The USNA as a whole also reports no outside influence or controls on any Federal electronic systems. Engineers and technicians across the Eastern seaboard are all on high alert and monitoring the situation very closely.

State Troopers and the National Guard have been sent to key electronic infrastructure sites to protect against further real life human incursions or hacking attempts on the ground. A heavy presence is reported at the Hoover Dam and at the Great Solar Collector opened last year in Death Valley.

Satellite internet service run by SpaceXY seems to be unscathed and has served as the only secure and reliable life line of real information into and out of Hoboken. Tech leaders from the USNA, the European Bloc, and South Americana are all rallying to help the besieged city.

New York 2140

Hoboken is reeling right now from mass hysteria. The last time the public has been so distraught was the War of Worlds broadcast back in 1938. Again, no one is sure which group, individual, or state actor is behind the massive and costly attack. 

Critics have pointed out the inevitably of such a situation as America has let digital infrastructure suffer and be left unprotected from the most dangerous types of outside interference. The last piece of legislation meant to harden the nation’s soft wired underbelly was left dangling in the wind during the latest Congressional budget hearings.

At this stage open conflict seems unlikely as no one has claimed responsibility, and no evidence points to a clear culprit. Some tech experts have speculated the calamity may even be the result of a rogue artificial intelligence loose in the national grid and running a real life human experiment on the people of Hoboken. The jury is still out on every facet of this story and as soon as more details become available the Futurus Satoshi will attempt to issue updates. 

Luckily the Satoshi offices in Hoboken work on an “Ansible,” the real life technology conceived by Ursula KLe Guin, allowing us communications that are faster than light, pure, and absolutely safe and secure. It is hoped the entire USNA infrastructure will soon switch to Ansible technology, and that this disaster will only speed up the transition.

Mayor Lange was last seen passing out devil dogs and heading toward the Huawei Communications Center on the outskirts of the city. He is escorting a team of local security experts and hackers, including a scrappy young group of quantum computing engineers from Hoboken’s own Stevens Institute of Technology, to the apparent heart of the attack. They desperately hope to stem the tide and free the city’s electronics and people from the grips of an unprecedented content replacement attack. 

Lange has also stressed citizens should not jump to conclusions or spread any racist thoughts or innuendos. Additionally, he has praised United States citizens of Chinese dissent who have offered to help with translation services and who have been vital in helping people survive the current disorder. Their help is more than needed to peel back layers of intrigue that may help crack the case. USNA citizens from that part of the world have long been on alert about the dangers and influence of the Communist government in charge, and have warned the growing power of a young leader for life is a worldwide problem. 

As he rode on top of a bright red firetruck blaring the E Street Band, Lange could be heard over the music through his bullhorn calling out to throngs of people on the streets, “This is why I haven’t checked an email my entire life, but don’t worry my friends, we’ll all get through this together, Hobokenites and the whole tri-state area are tough as nails and twice as funny… Peace and love, peace and love.”

Hoboken Mayor Artie Lange. (Photo courtesy Stand-Up Global.)

Art credits from NEW YORK 2140; Kim STanley RObinson, various artists, HS, WIRED and Getty images. GIF from Fitjournal

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