Ice Cube Whales of Enceladus

Ice tankers lift one cubic mile blocks of frozen fresh water into the black of space above Enceladus, Saturn’s moon, and the most abundant source of H2O in the near solar system. The planet’s rings shine as massive chains and hooks hold the gigantic ice cube while it dangles from the belly of the tanker ships. A fleet of 7 space tankers have made their latest pickup and are scheduled to return to a thirsty earth in 10 days. None too soon for the dehydrating cities of the Midwest. But, there’s something bigger than a fly locked in one of ship’s ice cube haul. Frozen Enceladus whales.

Cincinnati has seen it’s reservoirs dip to their lowest levels in hundreds of years. The Nestle company, who recently took over private ownership of the city’s water system, as well as those of Canton, Cleveland and several other large metropoles stated the ice shipment will be dispersed into reservoirs, certain rivers and lakes, but most of the recoverable water will end up at their bottling plant outside of Greenville, to be melted and sold in individual bottles, quarts, and jugs.

However, this shipment and those that follow after will have to face a resistance other than Enceladus’ miserably cold conditions and fraught ice drilling operations. Greenpeace has sent its small shuttle convoy to intercept and interrupt the mammoth ice tankers floating above the icy moon. Greenpeace activists have gone into full scale revolt as this scheduled ice shipment contains a major environmental disaster. A school of whales, Enceladus Humpbacks, have been found frozen in the bottom layer of the cubic mile block. The whales were thought to have been caught accidentally by Nestle’s automated netting and ice cutter system. 

People from every country on Earth have swelled the ranks of Greenpeace in the last week, after the images of the frozen Encedalus Humpbacks circulated over social media and were leaked via Nestle’s own scientific research board. The company has not commented on who the leaker is, but reports show many glaciologists working at Vers-chez-les-Blanc and EPFL Innovation Park in Lausanne, Switzerland have been released from their contracts. 

Although held by NDA’s (non disclosure agreements) one glaciologist spoke to us under protected anonymity. 

They state, “There must be 100 whales frozen in the bottom of cube number 4. I tried to warn the extraction team, but it was too late or they just didn’t want to listen. I mean these humpbacks were beautiful. Are beautiful. Their eyes are so magical. A single Enceladus Humpback is about the size of the Eiffel Tower. And they sing the most wonderful songs. It makes me cry. I know people on Earth really need the water, but we can’t destroy the whales on Enceladus like we did here. We just can’t.”

Nestle issued a broad statement promising they take all mandated and proper measures to avoid harming the ocean life existing under the ice surface of Enceladus. The moon and its glacial surface are home to only government scientific stations, private ice drilling concerns, and mineral extraction companies at this time. Plans by Hilton Hotels have been stalled for the past few years as they plan a destination resort in the major work colony administered by the United States.

Russia, China, and the European Union have all sent diplomats to Boca Raton Space Station as international talks are underway to prevent the issue of accidental life capture in the future. The US Space Force has launched its own investigation. However, Greenpeace has made it known through their representatives this has happened before and will happen again. 

Florence Macintosh, the group’s President, issued a statement late last night. 

“Sentient beings, no matter from which planet, or moon, or solar system all deserve and demand a right to live. It is with great hubris humanity again undertakes the destruction of another pristine environment, while ignoring the actions which can restore our own bountiful, beautiful, pale blue dot to its original garden. We have such technology to fly through space in a matter of days, yet we still struggle with the basics of environmentalism. I urge all the people of Earth to unite, love one another, and love all life no matter where in the universe it is found.”

Photo by Daniel Beltra for Greenpeace

Local government officials have already come out to condemn the frozen whale incident, but make very clear their interest in continuing to import water from Enceladus, and minerals, and resources from the various space installations bringing in raw materials to Earth.

Senator from Ohio, Bill Littlefield, responded to Greenpeace and public sentiment at large, “Those eco nuts are more harmful than good. They don’t care about human life, and would rather see us all die of thirst. I admit mistakes were made by Nestle, but Earth needs water, and resources from wherever we can get them. Half the factories here in Ohio manufacture goods using space resources. I mean Honda Motors employs well over 20,000 Ohioans and they depend on the Palladium mined in the asteroid belt, and they use it for catalytic converters, which may I remind Greenpeace saves Earth’s atmosphere a great deal of pollution.”

The debate rages, but Greenpeace is ready to stage an intervention as soon as Nestle’s ice tankers get to their staging point for their Earthly return. As for the whales stuck in the ice, there has been some talk of trying to thaw them out, see if biological revival is at all possible, and determine if they could survive in Earth’s oceans. Most oceanographers and biologists are skeptical. 

Life on Enceladus depends on the moon’s highly active thermal vents and the shooting geysers of hyper pure water. The gargantuan humpbacks in the subsurface ocean eat plankton and krill of the Enceladus variety much like whales did on Earth before their extinction. A single whale consumes about 10,000 pounds during their feeding season, about 120 Earth days. Enceladus whales have a mysterious purple hue, large eyes, and exaggerated fins helping them reach high speeds in the moon’s cold water. They have excellent night vision and are thought to see in visual fields beyond human comprehension. Some recordings of their singing have been fed into quantum computers in Washington D.C, a project sponsored by the N.S.A, to help determine the alien marine life’s level of intelligence. The findings have been classified, and FOIA (freedom of information act) requests have all been denied.

The confrontation is set and neither Greenpeace or Nestle seem to be backing down. Clearly drinkable fresh water is needed to quench a thirsty Earth, but it would be a travesty to run whales off of another celestial body.

Acclaimed Italian composer and pianist Ludovico Einaudi performs one of his own compositions on a floating platform on Enceladus

Call me Ishmael

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